In the months before my departure, people said all sorts of things to my parents about their decision to let me study in the States.
“But she’s a girl how can you let her go? How will she get married?”
Yes, where I come from marriage is a big concern when parents decide to let their daughters go study abroad. My parents came to the conclusion, the best family for her would be one that accepts the fact that she studied in New York.
“New York University? I’ve never heard of it. How highly is it ranked?”
Some people were just bitter, and competitive. They weren’t happy for me. What mattered was, although it was a tough decision for my parents; letting their only daughter go so far away to live on her own, they were very proud of me. They knew all the hard work I had put in to get so far. I had my grandparents on my side too. They all wanted what was best for me.
That is not to say they didn’t have concerns. And apprehensions, and fears, and the often ‘please don’t go’. Now if your friends and family tell you that what you’re doing is not the best idea, they will at some point start worrying if they are making the right decision.
I’ve never fought with my parents, but the time they told me to go back to Pakistan instead, I cried and fought and refused to speak to them. I am not proud of it. But when I calmed down they talked to me about their concerns. And they weren’t unreasonable, not one bit. I was their first born, how could they not want to keep me with them as long as possible, when as a girl you eventually must leave your parent’s house for your husband’s. I was so little, how would I take care of myself (when I was starting college I was and still am 5 foot, barely 3 inches tall, and underweight -- needless to say I have put on my freshman 15 since then).
Then there were the people, the people that never stop talking.
“What will she become? How liberal are her parents? She will forget her values.”
All these statements discount my personal character, but I won’t say they are baseless. An overwhelming majority of Pakistani students studying abroad either come from very liberal families or become extremely “westernized” (read: liberal) when they come back from college. They have a whole new set of values that are frowned upon back home.
The overwhelming majority always creates the stereotype. But I have always hated being stereotyped. So here I am, back in Pakistan for my first summer break from college. I have not forgotten my values. And here are a couple of great things I picked up while I was there.
I learned to hold the door open for strangers. This little bit of common courtesy does not exist in Pakistan, and it is something that doesn’t take a lot from you but with those two seconds, you can make someone else’s day easier by just a little bit. Then, exchange a smile, or a thank you. Yes, very little gestures, but in my opinion it is just spreading positivity.
Over winter break I tried that in Pakistan. No one smiled. No one thanked me. One woman actually gave me a ‘what are you doing’ look.
I learned the importance of home cooked food. I have a sensitive stomach, I can’t eat everything. Within two weeks of my mom leaving I learned to value her cooking. Oh and not to mention Pakistani spices. How I craved spicy food on a day to day basis. On the other hand, lack of home food pushed me to expand my palate.
I learned about brown people. I learned what is good about us and what we lack. Brown people, whether they were Pakistani or Indian, were my comfort zone the first few weeks of college. In the midst of everything new, I clung to the strings of familiarity; language, culture, sense of humor and we were all adjusting to a completely different environment alone.
We are relatively good at math, but that’s not all. Our definition of fun wasn’t getting drunk. Yes, some of my friends do indulge in alcohol. But we had plenty of fun without. As do a lot of my non brown friends. We are also pretty hard working, but there was a sense of undue pride, we thought we were smarter. We can make great friends, but sometimes we won’t be there for you when we need you the most. Other times we’ll pick you up when you’re at your lowest. Basically, we’re just human. Yes our culture is different from “western culture” but good people will always be good, and there are some not so great people irrespective of culture.
I learned to appreciate different cultures, and found similarities in values everywhere. In contrast, I also learned to appreciate my own culture and upbringing. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? It was in the absence of that culture that I realized what an important part of my life it was.
So when I came back and sort of reflected back on my year, I realized how much I had grown in just one year. Being alone teaches you a lot about yourself and pushes you to be responsible, to take authority of your actions. Every decision I made would be on me, I could not blame anyone else for it. I had to take care of myself. I was lucky though, I had a lot of help from my family that lived close by, so I also learned to value family. When things get tough, it’s nice to know you have someone to lean on.
An important lesson on which I’d like to end on is going away for a year taught me who my real friends back home were. The ones I wanted to go see when I got back, the ones who tried to keep up with me, even when I didn’t have time to keep up with them. The ones I could always count on.
At the end of the year, there is an insatiable yearning for home. Home isn’t your childhood bedroom (well, not JUST that), home is your father’s daily rituals, your mother’s paranoia, and your little brother’s sense of humor which you never quite understood but missed all the same. I learned the meaning of home.
Summer is almost over, here is to another year of stories, lessons and unforgettable experiences.
“But she’s a girl how can you let her go? How will she get married?”
Yes, where I come from marriage is a big concern when parents decide to let their daughters go study abroad. My parents came to the conclusion, the best family for her would be one that accepts the fact that she studied in New York.
“New York University? I’ve never heard of it. How highly is it ranked?”
Some people were just bitter, and competitive. They weren’t happy for me. What mattered was, although it was a tough decision for my parents; letting their only daughter go so far away to live on her own, they were very proud of me. They knew all the hard work I had put in to get so far. I had my grandparents on my side too. They all wanted what was best for me.
That is not to say they didn’t have concerns. And apprehensions, and fears, and the often ‘please don’t go’. Now if your friends and family tell you that what you’re doing is not the best idea, they will at some point start worrying if they are making the right decision.
I’ve never fought with my parents, but the time they told me to go back to Pakistan instead, I cried and fought and refused to speak to them. I am not proud of it. But when I calmed down they talked to me about their concerns. And they weren’t unreasonable, not one bit. I was their first born, how could they not want to keep me with them as long as possible, when as a girl you eventually must leave your parent’s house for your husband’s. I was so little, how would I take care of myself (when I was starting college I was and still am 5 foot, barely 3 inches tall, and underweight -- needless to say I have put on my freshman 15 since then).
Then there were the people, the people that never stop talking.
“What will she become? How liberal are her parents? She will forget her values.”
All these statements discount my personal character, but I won’t say they are baseless. An overwhelming majority of Pakistani students studying abroad either come from very liberal families or become extremely “westernized” (read: liberal) when they come back from college. They have a whole new set of values that are frowned upon back home.
The overwhelming majority always creates the stereotype. But I have always hated being stereotyped. So here I am, back in Pakistan for my first summer break from college. I have not forgotten my values. And here are a couple of great things I picked up while I was there.
I learned to hold the door open for strangers. This little bit of common courtesy does not exist in Pakistan, and it is something that doesn’t take a lot from you but with those two seconds, you can make someone else’s day easier by just a little bit. Then, exchange a smile, or a thank you. Yes, very little gestures, but in my opinion it is just spreading positivity.
Over winter break I tried that in Pakistan. No one smiled. No one thanked me. One woman actually gave me a ‘what are you doing’ look.
I learned the importance of home cooked food. I have a sensitive stomach, I can’t eat everything. Within two weeks of my mom leaving I learned to value her cooking. Oh and not to mention Pakistani spices. How I craved spicy food on a day to day basis. On the other hand, lack of home food pushed me to expand my palate.
I learned about brown people. I learned what is good about us and what we lack. Brown people, whether they were Pakistani or Indian, were my comfort zone the first few weeks of college. In the midst of everything new, I clung to the strings of familiarity; language, culture, sense of humor and we were all adjusting to a completely different environment alone.
We are relatively good at math, but that’s not all. Our definition of fun wasn’t getting drunk. Yes, some of my friends do indulge in alcohol. But we had plenty of fun without. As do a lot of my non brown friends. We are also pretty hard working, but there was a sense of undue pride, we thought we were smarter. We can make great friends, but sometimes we won’t be there for you when we need you the most. Other times we’ll pick you up when you’re at your lowest. Basically, we’re just human. Yes our culture is different from “western culture” but good people will always be good, and there are some not so great people irrespective of culture.
I learned to appreciate different cultures, and found similarities in values everywhere. In contrast, I also learned to appreciate my own culture and upbringing. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? It was in the absence of that culture that I realized what an important part of my life it was.
So when I came back and sort of reflected back on my year, I realized how much I had grown in just one year. Being alone teaches you a lot about yourself and pushes you to be responsible, to take authority of your actions. Every decision I made would be on me, I could not blame anyone else for it. I had to take care of myself. I was lucky though, I had a lot of help from my family that lived close by, so I also learned to value family. When things get tough, it’s nice to know you have someone to lean on.
An important lesson on which I’d like to end on is going away for a year taught me who my real friends back home were. The ones I wanted to go see when I got back, the ones who tried to keep up with me, even when I didn’t have time to keep up with them. The ones I could always count on.
At the end of the year, there is an insatiable yearning for home. Home isn’t your childhood bedroom (well, not JUST that), home is your father’s daily rituals, your mother’s paranoia, and your little brother’s sense of humor which you never quite understood but missed all the same. I learned the meaning of home.
Summer is almost over, here is to another year of stories, lessons and unforgettable experiences.